Make it Stop

Saturday, I went to the supermarket, spent too much due to the fact it was my baby girl’s second birthday. It included 20 pieces of chicken. I have adopted the art of shopping and knowing the exact amount of the goods in the shopping cart prior to reaching the checkout. Not, because I am a whizz at calculating simply, because I have been in the embarrassing situation, on more than one occasion, where I do not have enough money to pay for the goods and I need to put them back individually until I arrive at a figure that I can pay. The attendees are very supportive in these cases. I suppose with the crisis in Spain they are used to it. This does not stop it from being embarrassing or a situation that I want to be in again and again.
Tonight, I went to the fridge, empty! Cupboards, half empty! Is it really only 2 days later since I spent over 200 euros on shopping because this is a bit of a joke!
I want to scream and shout.
What do I scream?
Children, why do you have to eat?
Why are you always hungry?
Can you not cut down?
No, I simply want to scream MAKE IT STOP!
I do not buy brand goods, all the time once in a while I think – What the heck! Which is not often, because it always ends up in repercussions. Such as picking baby girl from the nursery and being asked when the nursery bill for the month is going to be paid.
Let’s roll back to this time 5 years ago, I would be thinking what car do I swap my Audi Cabriolet for? Mercedes convertible, BMW convertible or should I go for the Porsche convertible? So, where did it all go wrong?
It went wrong, because of the economy – No!
It went wrong, because I officially lost my investment properties, 2 years ago – No!
It went wrong, because I overspent, did not manage my finances properly and I took all the money I had for granted – Yes!
My contract rate is a lot lower than it was 5 years ago. The number of children and added responsibility has grown. Too scared to take a day off due to the fact I know the repercussions, which keep me up late at night. I am behind and the fear of being even further behind scares the living daylight out of me.

When, I get paid, there is only one thing on my mind – Who gets paid first? As much as I try to monitor it all, with spreadsheets, reducing my daily expenditure. The results are always the same – I am always behind, things just get more expensive and the wages do not match the increase in prices.

Sometimes, I laugh at my situation now. I never used to know the price of bread, milk, local commodities etc. Now, I know them like the back of my hand. I used to check my account once a week, now I check it at least 3 times a day – morning, noon and night. Just in case the petrol, I spent in the morning prevents me from buying all the groceries in the afternoon. Possibly there was a direct debit coming out today, or is it tomorrow. I forget, or at least I try to forget.
Do I want those days back, when I never knew the price and had one of many credit cards to pay for it all – No!
I just want it to be like it was when I was in my mid-20’s. I was sensible and wise. I did not have the best car, everything was comfortable. The car would break down, I would go into my saving pot and think, here is the money to pay for it. Now, I just think – a saving pot – What is that? Does that still exist? It does, simply just not for me.

Therefore, there is only one thing on my mind tonight – Please, MAKE IT STOP!

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2 responses to “Make it Stop

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