Wingin’ It Excerpt

Chapter 1: Evicted

So, here I’m at Liz’s wedding,she’s my first cousin. The music is too loud, the family are too drunk, and they are doing silly things. If one of the kids is not leaving items on the floor, knowing one of the elderly family members will trip on it, then one of the elderly members is on the floor doing some kind of dance that is well out of their bodily control. They will inevitably pay for it five minutes after they start dancing or definitely the next day. That is if they make it to the next day.
Also, I’m sure the kids have been sneakily been taking some drinks. Because, they are acting a bit too excited for my liking. Wow, look at them under the table of Uncle Mike and Auntie Carol.
“Come out from under there. I canyou’re your hand going on the tables”
They frown and sigh as they come out from under the table.
Kids!
Wait, one of them is Auntie Joan.
“Auntie!”
“Spoil-spolit, we’re having fun it’s a wedding!”
It may be a wedding, but you don’t expect the mother of the bride to be under the table taking drinks like one of the kids do you?
There goes Uncle Mike doing his version of a chain reaction. The problem is I can’t, and neither can anyone else, figure out if he’s having a heart attack or if someone has put an electric gun to his leg. His leg seems to be the only part of his body which is having reaction, while his arm is clutching on to his chest. I wave hoping he’s simply dancing.
Oh no, he thinks I want to join him. He’s encouraging me to join him in his moves.
I mouth back to him, No, Uncle Mike you carry on!
The problem is t Auntie Carol seems to be having the same fate with her arm. So, there’s Uncle Mike’s little frame of 5’9 on the middle of the dance floor shaking his leg furiously and you have Auntie Carol with her short frame,shaking her flabby arms, “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees.
I’m not sure what is making me laugh more, the fact they are obviously dancing to their own song which they are hearing in their heads or the fact they are doing this to a slow song, while everyone in the room is dancing arm-in-arm and not paying any attention to their madness. It’s obvious that I’ve no one to dance with and this is the only reason why I;m witnessing this with the children, including beautiful Annabel. I start laughing nervously, because it dawns on me, I don’t know where I’m going to sleep tonight. I need to drink more champagne and just enjoy the party.
I’ve really done it this time, it’s a pure classic. When I was pregnant with a married man was bad enough but this draws the short straw. As I put my hands through my newly trimmed hair, and smooth down my lovely pink satin bridesmaid’s dress, thoughts of if I pawn the dress then maybe I will have a deposit for us to have a place to live go through my head. I could probably rent somewhere. I sigh as I imagine Liz questioning if I still have my bridesmaid’s dress years after the wedding.
They always end up asking – don’t they?
I can imagine me saying, “No, I pawned mine.” The one thing I’m not sure about is where to pawn it. It’s not like its gold or electrical goods. Oh, I know I could do what that chick did in Confessions of a Shopaholic, sell all my clothes and make loads of money!
Why did I never think of this before?
Come on, Amy that was a silly movie – right now; if it was showing at the theater you wouldn’t be able afford a ticket!
Furthermore, when I saw the movie, I was the one crying at how someone could sell all those clothes. Why would someone ever put themself in that position? If it was me, I would keep on running, nothing could separate me from Prada, let alone Gucci. That’s a cardinal sin. The worst thing anyone could do!
How long have I been here? I must be able to make a swift exit by now. Fuck it, this champagne is not working it is making me miserable and extremely horny!
A good reason to quit drinking. Actually, I have no choice, can’t afford to do that either.
Gee Amy, what can you afford to do?
“What’s wrong? You seem troubled,” Mom asks. I’m sure she’s suspicious. As hard as I try to act natural, theres is no hiding your true feelings when it comes to Mom. Sis and I think she should have been a detective. She always susses the suspects out in CSI five minutes after it’s started. We call her Inspector Justine.
She says it’s just obvious. No, its not she just has a way of figuring out stuff all the time. Pops used to say that’s why he’s never cheated on her.
Always find his defense line a bit conspicuous, I mean it’ll be better if he said he never did it because he loved Mom, not cause she’d find out!
“I’m fine, Mom. I’m just wondering what is in store for me when I go back to work on Monday.”
“Work? You’re thinking of work at a time like this?”
“I know, everyone says I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help but worry,” I tell her.
“Well, you can’t change the future, so worrying about it’s not going to make it better or worse!” Mom exclaims. “Just enjoy the wedding.”
“The jitterbug, The jitterbug. That’s our song!” Kirst, my little cousin says as she takes my hand and decides that we should do the jitterbug, Wham style! Or rather Amy and Kirsty style.
I decide if you can’t beat them, then you may as well join them. I’m swinging my hands just like George Michael did when he did the video, before he came out. Watch it a couple of times. You will then realize that technically he came out when he made that video in those hot pants swinging his hips from left to right like there is no tomorrow. Not when he was caught in the men’s bathroom. He was in fact announcing it long before that day!
So, while I’m swinging my arms, I decide to add a little spice to it. And just at that precise moment, things could not get any worse. I kick my leg in the air and right in to the bride’s eye. All those ballet classes came useful at the wrong time!
There’s a loud scream from everyone, including myself. I’m too shocked to think about anything apart from the fact that I just knocked out the bride. Everyone is running, trying to pick her up, including the groom. I’m crouched down by her side, slapping her face with her Mom shouting, “Slap her harder! Harder, she needs to wake up!”
At this point, she’s being manhandled by me trying to slap her in the face, while her husband is shaking her shouting, “Wake up woman, I’m not missing out on this honeymoon for nothing.” And her Mom is screaming, “Get up, not on your wedding day, after, after.”
The music stops and all focus is on shaking Liz or slapping her back to life. No one is going to carry on with the wedding until she does get up. Furthermore, no one has any intention of taking her down to the hospital. She just had a leg in her eye, not exactly life threatening.
After what feels like hours, she wakes up. Everyone cheers, then she stands up and we see her face. The congratulations turn into “Oh, no.”
We all stop and stare in disbelief. She has the blackest eye that I’ve ever seen. OK, so I’ve never seen anyone with a black eye. Or maybe I have but not one that I’ve caused. So, that could be why it seems darker than any I’ve ever seen in my life.
She’s a bit woozy as she stands up, but she knows that everyone is staring at her, and not in a good way.
“What! What is it?”
“Babes, your eye is as black as Nateesha. No offense, Nateesha!” her husband exclaims.
“None taken, but I think her eye is darker than me!”
“Shit, this is just my luck,” she says looking for anyone to give her a mirror as she tries to see what everyone is in shock seeing.
“Well, at least it’s after the photos!” someone says.
“True, and as for the honeymoon photos they will be private shots anyway!”
Everyone laughs!
“Or you can just keep taking photos of me honey? If it makes you feel better,” her husband’s says jokingly.
She gives him a playful hit and then hugs him and kisses him on the lips saying, “Mr. White,” and he replies, “Yes, Mrs. White.” They are both laughing and smiling at the idea of calling each other that name for the rest of their lives. They seem to find comfort in it.
I’m not laughing. I can’t believe that I injured her in this way. I just seem to destroy everything that comes my way.
She’s now by my side, hugging me saying, “Amy, get over it. It was an accident. Good to see those ballet classes didn’t go to waste. Furthermore, I’m even happier that you didn’t get any blood on my dress. I was a bit worried about that. If you had, then I would be upset!” Liz comforts me.
I hug her back and I’m happy for her. I can’t believe she’s so calm about it. “I love, you.”
“I love you too. Now let’s dance. No more kicking!” Liz exclaims.
“Sure, you don’t need to ask twice!”
I’m now making my to the exit. It’s past midnight and my little one is asleep on her Grandma’s lap. “Mom thanks. I will see you tomorrow. I’ll come around.”
“Sure, sugar, but its Liz’s wedding lunch, so remember to go straight there. Or do you want to come to mine first?” Mom asks.
Shit, I forgot about that! How is this going to work? I’ve until Monday to find a new place, and I’ve all these family events to go to. I should just tell Mom the truth and move in with them. That’s what the inner voice keeps saying to me. Right now, inner voice, I need a miracle not advice!
“OK, see you at their house for 1 p.m.”
“Sure.”
I know that Mom will not make a swift exit. She will spend as much time here as possible. I get the impression that since he’s she’s in the house alone, she no longer feels the desire or need to go there.
I wave goodbye to everyone, and Uncle Mike gives me an electric wave.
“Now, where is my car?” I ask as I stand outside holding Annabel in my arms, exhausted from today’s long events.
“The blue Mercedes? It was taken by the finance company,” Tom says. “I was going to get you to tell you that they took it, but you were too busy kickboxing the bride.”
This is why I don’t like Tom, he may be the groom’s best friend, but he’s a complete and utter ass!
“I wasn’t kickboxing the bride, it was an accident!” I explain to him.
“Tell that to the finance company! It was an accident that I never paid my bill and see if they give you your car back!” he exclaims.
“Very funny,”
“Instead of trying to be smart, why didn’t you use your brain to try and stop them from taking my car?”
“Like I said, I saw them taking it. I asked them what they were doing. They told me you had not paid. I asked how much, ready to get my credit card out! When they told me the amount, I put my card back in my wallet. I mean, are you mad or something? How can you owe that much on a car and then not have the means to pay it? I never understood how you managed to live on Madison Avenue, drive such a car, and have a child at the same time. Let alone be out nearly every night at, and I quote, ‘work do’s’ – aka sleeping with the boss,” Tom states.
“Fuck off,” I say angrily. “How dare you judge me! Who do you think you are?”
“You’re right, I’m out of order, that’s why they took my car,” Tom states sarcastically. “Why are you using such language in front of Annabel? Now, do you want a lift or what?”
The stubborn part of me wants to say no because he’s just so arrogant. The other part of me wants to say yes because I really don’t want anyone to find this out.
“OK, yes, please”
He laughs because he knows I’ve no choice. “What a cheek?”, I hear him whispering under his breathe.
He gently puts Annabel down in his car. he’s She’s so beautiful when she sleeps. I’m glad she doesn’t have to witness all that is going on. Her beautiful, cream silk dress is still in perfect shape after such a long day.
As I jump in the car, he starts it and blaring out of the car stereo is:
I LIKE BIG PUSSIES,
GET ME THAT PUSSY,
WHERE YOU AT PUSSY
He turns it off, clearly embarrassed. I look at him and I start to laugh. I can’t believe that after what has just happened I even feel like laughing. I’m not sure what I’m laughing at – the fact that he does listen to such music or the fact that he was caught listening to such music.
We both laugh, and he puts the song back on. We sing it all the way to my apartment. After all, it’s the number one hit song on the charts.
He slowly drives up to the curb of the building and there’s a notice on the front door. We stop the car, and I jump out. He shouts out, “What’s the hurry?”
The doorman says to me, “I tried to stop them, but they said they’ve been calling you for days, and you don’t respond. Your things are in the storage area, I could only take a few. They wouldn’t let me take all of them.”
I’m confused, “But today is the 1st, they were due to come on the 3rd.”
He replies, “No, today is the 3rd.”
Great, you mean in all this madness I didn’t even know what date it was. I start to breathe heavily because I feel like I’m losing control of my mind. This is a new Amy, an Amy I’m not liking.
“Do they have to put the notice there for all to see?” I ask.
“Yes, they couldn’t put it on the door because they were going to break it down and no one wanted it inside the apartment block . They say it’s embarrassing – the other owners and tenants, so I put it here until you came home. So you could see it, then I was going to take it off,” the doorman explains.
I crouch down on the floor and weep. During this time, Tom has parked the car. He locks it, ensuring that Annabel doesn’t get disturbed. He walks over to me, picks me up, and leads me by the hand to the car, and says, “Wait here.”
Next, I see him going into the building with the doorman. Then, he’s carrying the remainder of my things. They make a few trips back and forth as I sit in the car, looking at Annabel. I feel like I’m watching a tennis match. The problem is the match is all my worldly belongings in only a few bags, it just feels pathetic.
Eventually they finish. Well, not eventually because it seems like they took nearly everything. He could only rescue a few bags of clothing.
The doorman knocks on the car window, and says, “Sorry, about all this, things can only get better!”
At that point, Tom jumps back in to the car and holds my hand before starting the engine and driving off. I look back at my old apartment building and wonder, What’sthe doorman’s name?

On Sale at US Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Wingin-It-Laugh-Out-Loud-Comedy-ebook/dp/B00C2VQJK0

On Sale at UK Amazon:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Wingin-It-Laugh-Out-Loud-Comedy-ebook/dp/B00C2VQJK0

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